Diva Jokes (Not Real Good Ones)
"Hey what about that diva
Kiri te Kanawa
She fell on her can
and then she said 'ow-a'"
Someone in the cheap seats cried "Do one about Renee Fleming!"
Okay...
"Hey what about the diva
Renee Fleming
First she started coughing
Then she was phlegming.."
One story I treasure from Tower was told to me by my ex-supervisor in Torrance.
Kiri te Kanawa is from New Zealand - in fact she is Maori. Kiri obsessives lustily hoard recordings Kiri made of traditional Maori songs as a teenager in the early 1960s. One day some guy came in and told my super that Kiri was an
aborigine ...
How about that diva
Gundula Janowitz
She called for a janitor
and it was Michael Ovitz
Yeah, I wish. I'll stop now.
Bush's Heart is So Small it Will Fit Inside a Hollowed-Out Dog
A Surrealist Tragedy by Uncle Dave Lewis
Bush's heart is so tiny it is like a clump of clay pressed into the fist of a child.
Dropped out, it falls through the coinslot of a toy bank that it is in the shape of a chihuahua.
Bush is thunderstruck! Where's my heart? Where's my dog, my poochie fritzl that hath swallowed my heart? I must have it back - I need my heart. It is wrinkled like a walnut and only pumps once every sixteen minutes!
Bush makes his hand paper thin - so thin it can be seen through like cellophane. He looks through it and his face is warping on the reverse side, causing anaphylactic shock in 32 nearby senators and scores of little old ladies. He drops a tissuey finger, in which flat bones pulse about thick, painful looking tapeworm-wide veins, into the slot of the doggy piggy bank, and retreives the heart. It pumps once weakly in glad anticipation.
I've got it back! I've got it back! I've got my heart, the Bushie cries, I am incompetent! I mean, uh - invincible!!
***
I really need to get back on my medication.
Uncle Dave Lewis
uncledavelewis@hotmail.com